A Blogger Idiot

I was once described as a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma. Wait .. no. That was Russia. However, I have been described as the nerdiest basketball player in the world, a hippie who does not smoke weed, and the meanest nice person someone has ever met. I have also, actually, been called an enigma.

However, I have decided to start writing here for the sole purpose to entertain myself. If people read it and enjoy it .. then all the better. On this blog you will not see me talk about politics (unless I am voice displeasure over generalities), economics (I do not know anything about economics), or religion (unless it is this sentence, just this once: I created my own religion which has two rules: believe whatever you want and let everyone else believe what they want.) What you will find will be this:
Mondays --> In keeping with having a bad case of the Monday's I will rant about something I hate.
Tuesdays --> I will make up for this by praising something I love
Wednesdays --> A true story from my past, or a true story relayed to me by a friend
Thursdays --> A quote I like, A link I like, A game I like, A photo I like, and/or A video I like ... could be all, could be one
Fridays --> Randomness .. observations, thoughts, my life, who knows
Saturday --> Someone I admire and why
Sunday --> Something I made up myself ... story, poem, quote, who knows

If I miss a day, I may make it up ... I may not.

Since it is Wednesday ... time for a real life story. This will also serve as the explanation for the blog title. Two birds, meet one stone.

I used to play basketball. My least favorite part of any basketball team was listening to speeches that were supposed to pump me up or get me ready to go play. I could listen to the X's and O's and strategy and scouting reports quite well. I found that interesting and a natural part of the game. However, the pump up speeches have always sounded forced to me. They sound forced in person, on tv or through any other medium you may perceive them. I generally find myself laughing at an accidental innuendo, a poor choice of words, or at some day dream I am having while the coach is breaking a sweat, spittle falling from his lower lip, as you watch the remnant of a lifesaver mint ebb and flow from tongue, to lip, to tongue, to lip ... until it is released in a high arc towards an unsuspecting teammate's face. But I digress, that is another coach and another story.

So I am sitting in a locker room ready for some basketball related activity. As Allen Iverson would say "Not ... not .. not a game.... but practice?" Yet, here we were huddled up for some inspiring words to get us ready for practice and eventually for a game. The topic was this: we are better than this team coming up, our record is better, we have better wins, and yet everyone talks up this team and the other teams we play against a lot more than us. We should, therefore, go out and be angry, and defeat the hated other team. However, a turn of phrase can make any mundane (they are all mundane) or normal (they all blur together) speech turn into a remarkable event.

At this moment I would also like to acknowledge that the scene in the Borat movie, where Borat learns comedy and the art of the pause was actually a good lesson in comedy and timing. One my coach was evidently a master of.

The phrase went as this: "They give respect to .......... everybody but fucking us!" Let that one sink in. Roll it over your tongue. Savor it on the taste buds of your ear drum. The long ellipses was a pause of about two seconds. Long enough to make you entirely forget the beginning of the sentence if you were not tuned in. And then he hit you with "everybody but fucking us!" And he was excited. My thoughts flowed thusly: holy shit did he say that? did anyone else hear that? and is there a part of this sport and team that I, thankfully, have not experienced?

The answers were, hell yes, yes, and I believe no. I looked around frantically to catch an eye. 11 others stared at the coach as if nothing had happened. One teammate's head was down, eyes at the ground. His shoulders shaking as he tried to hold back the laughter. He glanced up, we caught eyes, turned away, and both faked a cough to hide our laughter. Truly the best pump up speech I have ever heard in my life. In fact, the only one I remember.