All I can say is that my life is pretty plain. You don't like my point of view you think I'm insane

Since I was raised in a house with an older sister and no pets and I have no cousins and we moved a lot when I was tiny, my sister played lots of games with me as her only form of entertainment. She is four years older ... which is a lot when you are five and she is nine.

So I alternated between being her pet dog ... damn we wanted a pet ... and being a student in her "class". Mind you, my classmates were all stuffed animals. They somehow passed with flying colors while I toiled in mediocrity at best. Most of the time I was informed I was failing "class". I was known for biting my sister a lot when we were little. Maybe this is connected.

Fast forward to second grade. One boy and I took math and language arts with the third graders. We evidently were very good at spelling words like "happy-go-lucky" and adding to 1,000. I believe it had something to do with my sister making me do school before I knew what a book was and therefore allowing me to read decently early.

Anyway, one day the other boy was sick. I was turning in a book report. Unrelated events I am sure. Regardless, I was excited because you get a piece of candy when you turn in your book report. Even if it sucked. Mine probably sucked. It was probably on a Matt Christopher "novel".

I thought Goosebump books were novels a year after this, so you know this was tough.

Anyway, I turn in my report and am about to get to pick out my candy when I decided to see what I had eaten for lunch. Luckily, I decided that the best place to check this out would be all over my teacher's foot. Needless to say, I did not receive my candy.

I went home and no one in my class believed me. Ever.

Oh and the teacher got revenge the next year when I was late coming back from my fourth grade math class and was left while my classmates went to a nursing home to sing to the people. For Halloween. I am not sure what we were going to sing other than "Skinny Bones Jones" and maybe so "Monster Mash"? We were years away from my friend donning leather pants to dance in a music video to "Thriller" for class, so that was out.

So on that day I got into my costume. No one was around. I sat in the room alone for thirty minutes. Was found and driven to the nursing home. Right as we got there we saw everyone driving out and back to school.

Let us review: I puked on my teacher's foot. The next year same teacher "accidentally" left me at school for a terribly lame field trip. I got to do the fun parts of the trip ... candy eating and costume wearing (I was a hippy, thanks again sis) .. and did not have to sing or talk to old people. And I got double candy because everyone felt bad.

Moral of story ... puke on your teacher and good things will happen.