Rant

One little witty comment that always makes me laugh is "Practice safe eating: use a condiment." I scared a friend of mine one day at the grocery when I was visiting her when I asked where the condiments were and she thought I said condoms. The look on her face was priceless. One thing not priceless is mayonnaise. It only costs a couple dollars. And your soul.

You see ... mayo is absolutely disgusting. If you argue with me on this you are a fatty fatty oinky pig. One tablespoon of Hellman's regular mayo has 90 calories and 15%(10 g) of your daily fat. 15% of your daily fat, just to wipe some of that nasty goop onto a sandwhich or burger or whatever .. or if you are German, to dip your fries into mayo. (Hellman's Light still has 7% of your daily fat)

Health risks set aside. Just take a look at mayonnaise and tell me what part of it is appetizing. It is an off-white color. Like dirty glue, only less appetizing. Its viscosity is that of a pasty gel. It is nearly solid. It is completely gross.

Added to its aesthetics and texture is the nauseating smell. If someone blindfolded me and stuck a bowl of mayo under my nose, I would vomit like (insert name of someone with an eating disorder .. aren't we funny making fun of someone's illness and skinny frame... do you feel better about yourself now fatty?).

In conclusion ... if mayonnaise were to disappear off the face of the earth ... the world would be a much, much better place. Healthier, better tasting, and better smelling. Fuck mayonnaise.