The story is true...

So recently I attended an ultimate frisbee tournament in the great state of Ohio (by great state ... I mean shithole). The drive was nothing amazing, except for my first purchase of over 4 dollar gas (fuck you car and oil industries). Rain was coming down as I arrived to the park where the teams were camping out. I called up some people I knew who were supposed to already be there ... they were not. I called my teammates to see if they were on schedule to arrive soon ... they were not. I elected to set up my borrowed 1960s tent in the rain. Alone.

Once erected (tee hee) the tent resembled something you would find in a township or favella, especially compared to the high tech tents surrounding my structure. The rain stopped as soon as I felt my tent was habitable (most others disagreed). Obviously, the wind decided to huff and puff and nearly knock down my tent. I decided to give up and hope for the best and left my tent alone to wander around and throw with the friend from my west coast school who convinced me to play and taught me to throw.

We quickly stumbled upon a team from Texas who welcomed us with two beer shotguns. They then offered some weed (I abstained) and tequila (I was intrigued). We marched to their Mercury Mountaineer to find the bottles. In the mad search I managed to get my hand slammed by the back door of the vehicle. I was rewarded with a slight cut, small bruise, and a swig of whiskey. Overall, I would say I was very to amazingly lucky. Tequila was found, it was drank straight from the bottle with margarita mix (that is right, two bottles at once ... we live dangerously).

I then witnessed the single grossest thing I have seen people willingly do that does not involve a cup or video camera. A man in a chicken suit from the Texas team decided to "bird feed" beer to bystanders. This involved beer being poured into his mask and him spitting it back out into someone else's mouth. This was so intriguing that the cops came over to laugh and watch. These same cops were responsible for tasering a handful of people at this tournament in 2007. They volunteered to be tasered. Frisbee folks are weird.

My team finally showed up, set up their tent, and we decided to go to sleep as the rain decided to grace us with its glorious presence. As the last of the 4 guys got into my large tent (sounds sexy) one of my friends was quoted as saying "My feet feel wet." There are two responses to this. One is "Really? Let us make sure no water is coming into the tent." The other is "Shut up." We went with option two. When I awoke three hours later this friend was sitting up, clutching his knees. He asked me "are you wet?" (again, not as sexy as it probably sounds) I thought for an instant and replied "I am soaked" before laying back down and falling asleep while repeating the word/sound "Ew" five times.

The morning left me with a soaked body, book, and entire bag of clothing for the weekend. Yay. After sitting angrily, and naked for about 15 seconds while changing, in my car for nearly an hour I got into the dryest clothes I could find (they were merely damp) and embarked on my ultimate experience. Ultimate as in the sport, not the definition of the word.

Before we started the game, I decided to fetch a disc near a pheasant. He (I will refer to the bird as masculine only to make myself feel better) was not too impressed by me. However, as I mocked his fancy walk and then decided to show him a disc he decided to peck at the disc. Obviously, I would have stood my ground if I were a real man. Instead, I ran away as fast as I could. The pheasant followed. I ran some more and turned around. He stopped. This was a favorite past time of his and he repeated it all day earning himself the nickname of "Ghost". "Ghost" because he only followed you when you turned your back, much like the ghost from Super Mario 3.

We played a game. The other team wore pink. We won 11-1. We thought the game was over and started scouting our next opponents when I heard the words "Want to play a game?" then a weird smacking noise of something on ground and then "Don't be afraid of it!" Laying on the ground was a white-person fleshed double ended dildo (hereby referred to as Bill). I picked Bill up, threw it back and walked off the field. When I turned around our team was playing a point of ultimate without a disc. The disc was instead replaced by Bill. Obviously, I decided to join in. I started guarding an individual who was trying to throw Bill to their teammate. I stuck out my hand as they threw it and smack! Bill hit and stuck in my hand. I hand blocked/caught Bill. Criesof shock, amazement, and "what a cock block!" were heard throughout the land. A few moments later, I threw Bill to a teammate in the endzone.

Bill flew through the air like a helicopter. You have never seen anything until you have seen a "Bill" swivel, writhe, and wobble through the air to the waiting hand of your teammate for the winning and only score. Bill was tossed back to me and I raised him in the air in triumph before giving him back. I thought I would never see Bill again. Boy was I wrong.

Five minutes later a guy walks up to me with Bill. He says "Want to play another game? Grab this!" I replied "Depends on the game" and gave him a wink. Sadly, he has a platonic game in mind. The game was to hold one end o f Bill while the other person has the other end grasped and try to poke the other person with the end of Bill you are holding. I have long arms. I won. I poked him in the chest. Then the mouth. He seemed way too happy about it.

The rest of the tournament unfolded. We went 4-1on Day 1 to make the A tournament. I played the best I have ever played. We had fun sitting around a lantern at night and playing games. Slept nice a dry. Woke up and won our first game on universe point (next point wins) and lost our next game in the quarterfinals. On a bright side, a teammate received a note from a cute girl that said "do you like me? check yes or no" .. they later exchanged numbers (aww how cute). We were seeded 24th and came in tie 5-8th. I then drove to Ikea, bought some stuff for my move, and was reminded I left my tent at the fields. Luckily some friends had not left yet and they allegedly have found it for me. Lucky me.

This tournament may turn out to be my last real tournament, which sucks. I love playing and the people in the sport are really fun and amazing. I also have been getting a lot better and would love a shot to play at nationals because I think I could compete. Most of all though, how great is a sport in which you can play with a double sided dildo and no one gets offended. Usually, when I break those out I get sued.