I was going to rant today about the election and how it is finally ending. Then I realized we will find some way to keep talking about it for the next few months. Then it will start again. On the bright side I saw gas at $2.19. I remember when that used to be ridiculously expensive, now it is a miracle it is so low.
So instead of all that jumbo I will instead rip on someone who deserves it completely: Shaquille O'Neal. Shaq Diesel. Shaq Fu. Superman? Not quite hoss.
First of all ... I am not sure if Shaq has any discernible talents other than the fact he is a large large man who is athletic. He also has stayed remarkably healthy is his career, which is difficult when you are huge. And by huge I mean tall and hefty. His heft is muscle and not fat (usually) so that gets him props.
However, what are his skills. Let me see. He can't shoot. He is a 52% career FT shooter. Mind you ... no one guards him there. It is always the same distance away. You can granny it in better than that. I haven't touched a basketball in 8 months and I would do better than that lefty. You make millions of dollars playing a game and you cannot even take a little time to do better than about 50% for your career? have some pride "Big Aristotle".
His defensive skills consist of being too big to be pushed around and being tall. He also is athletic (as I've said) so he can jump and block little guards lay-ups. Nothing fancy. Offensively he will try to ram into your chest, hope they don't call a charge (they won't because he's Shaq) then try to lay it in or dunk. Lord, if he could jump hook or shoot he would have been unstoppable.
So basically, Shaq is terrible at basketball as far as skills are concerned. But he is huge and therefore an asset. So to hate him I must dig deeper.
Ahhh yes. Shaq "acts". Holy shit does he ever. Blue Chips .. he basically played himself and was terrible. Kazaam ... he was a rapping genie. Only in the early 90s was this possible. Shit it was bad. Steel ... I never saw it, did anyone? He has had other roles in films, mianly cameos. All awful. No acting skills.
As you can see from my title .. Shaq tried to be a rapper. He was worse than horrible. Luckily he was large and no one made fun of him to his face. But honestly ... it was awful.
Shaq wants to be in law enforcement after he retires. Really big guy? Gonna go on a big bust? No one will ever see you coming! Basically, if he did this he would have to have a boring desk job because he could never be on patrol or go undercover. Which sounds boring and he has too much money to do that. Also ... he got his badge taken away for asking Kobe Bryant how his ass tastes in a freestyle rap.
Mostly I hate Shaq because he is funny. Shaq might be the least funny person ever. But when you are 7'1" and over 300 pounds and super athletic ... people let you do whatever you want growing up. Who would dare not laugh at his "jokes"? As he got older and richer, even more reason to laugh when you'd rather slap him for being retarded. I hate Shaquille O'Neal because he is an idiot. He isn't funny. And he has no talent save for his massive size, which once he retires will be a terrible burden and probably cause major health issues. Which is sad. But he got millions so it is okay.
So Shaq ... looking up quotes by Aristotle doesn't make you smart. Laughing after you say something that makes no sense doesn't make you funny. Being very large doesn't make you skilled at basketball. Getting a record deal because you are already famous doesn't make you a rapper. Being in terrible movies because you are already famous doesn't make you an actor.
Now ... "tell me how my ass tastes"
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3 comments:
I did like Shaq Fu though, I will admit for fighting games it was not the cream of the crop by any stretch of the imagination but there were some cool mythical creatures in there like a fighting mummy, Beast who was a fire demon, Mephis who was a lightning fighter, etc. Good times were had I remember.
Man you are CRAZY.
Shaq was incredibly talented in addition to just being huge. He had fantastic touch around the hoop and was incredibly agile for his size. And, I think he is hilarious. That quote at the end is a perfect example.
I don't even like him especially but I think you're reaching here my friend.
Shaq sucks in every way, shape, and form. I gave him props for being very athletic for his size (agility included in that) but he has no basketball skill other than that.
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